Introduction: What are you doing here?
Should you keep reading this book?
Classic interview rules, plus one more
How to talk to a recruiter
How to have a first day on the job
Ways in which you must screw up early on: a handy checklist
What to say when someone asks for your take on the oeuvre of Werner Herzog at dinner with your brand-new colleagues and you don't know who Werner Herzog is
The importance of sucking at a new job for a year or two
Things you should never say in a professional setting
How to have a meaningful lunch in a fancy restaurant full of important people
A few more rules for the business lunch
A list of small-talk topics for people who hate small talk
How to have a short but meaningful conversation in an elevator
How to shake a hand (feat. Kanye West)
How to be on time, for Chrissakes
How to find a good bar to drink in after work
How to find work while drinking
How to begin a work thing
Should you be dancing at this work thing?
Things you should never say while giving a toast
How to give a speech when you're terrified of giving a speech
Things you should never say during a speech
How to give a speech when you have just taken one to many Xanax
How to talk to "important" people
How to think about clothes
Style rules for work that you hear all the time, plus one you never do
An impostor's garden of mantras
A few words about collaboration
A few more rules for emailing
Why strident postures on social media are, at the end of the day, probably a bad idea, especially if you're looking for a job
How to work with someone who clearly resents you and is threatened by you and would prefer that you weren't around
"Two beers and a puppy": a helpful test for determining how you feel about someone
How to forget about that thing that happened that one time that you still wince about
Why you should always be an outsider
Afterword: How to write a book in which you do nothing but tell strangers what to do
Appendix 1: A reading list: self-help books that are not "self-help" books
Appendix 2: How to pronounce the names of scotches
Appendix 3: Rules I never got to
Appendix 4: Key measures and equivalents.
